Recently, my friend and pastor, Kevin Gotchal of South Valley Community Church, was ill. While in bed over the course of four days, he watched the U.S. Open.

Then he called me on the phone and pleaded with me, “Is there any way we can get everybody to stop yelling ‘Get in the hole' after EVERY shot?”

I don't think he will ever be able to watch a round of golf on TV with the sound up again.

But it got me to thinking - which is always a dangerous thing - about all the things that drive me crazy when I'm watching a game. “Get in the hole” would have to top my list, but there are so many others.

Here is a short list of 10 things I hate about watching sports. If you, dear readers, come up with more, let me know.

No. 1: “GET IN THE HOLE”

It has gotten so bad that the knuckleheads yelling it actually do it on a tee shot from a PAR 5! Of course, the players want the ball to go in every time, but they don't have to yell it out. I hope this doesn't move to other sports, “Get In the glove!”

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No. 2: Guys with cell phones waving behind home plate

Who cares that you are on television, sitting in a seat you probably didn't pay for. These guys don't care who wins, unlike the true baseball fan who has to sit in the upper deck down the lines because some fathead boss of yours bought corporate season tickets.

I think maybe ushers in those sections should have tranquilizer darts to put the missing link down for a few innings.

A better solution - have the three sections directly behind the plate available to real baseball fans for $10, ones that can't be resold, ID required.

No. 3: On court/field interviews with coaches

“Coach you are down by 20, what do you need to do?”

Why would a coach tell a national audience? Shouldn't they be talking to their team? What if Belichick has an assistant coach watching?

Sidebar: If Jim Gray still has a job ... why?

No. 4: Post-game press conferences in their entirety

With stupid questions like “Are you disappointed after a big loss?” “Were you surprised by the score?” “Can you describe how you feel?” to winners and losers.

The highlights of the press conference would be enough for me. Yes, these guys are in my field, but believe me, when I ask a coach a dumb question, I don't want America to hear what an idiot I am.

No. 5: All ballpark fans throwing opposing player home runs back onto the field.

When the fans at Wrigley Field started doing this, it was charming - part of the Chicago mystique. But when guys in Oakland, Detroit and Phoenix started doing it, believe me it became obnoxious.

At least they don't do it on foul balls. Oh wait, I did that. But I had a good reason.

It was opening day: Cubs verses Braves. Greg Maddux had just bolted the Cubs for the Braves, and he was the opening day pitcher. He hit a foul behind the Braves dugout, I caught it and for some reason, threw it back. I received a standing ovation and never had to pay for anything the rest of the game - including my time spent at the Cubby Bear (the Cubs' pub and grill).

No. 6: The wave/beach balls

Dodgers are down by four runs late, they have two runners on and some goober starts the wave. DUDE, aren't you watching the game? Wait, 30,000 people are joining you? Where have you gone Joe DiMaggio?

Beach balls are worse. Save them for the ... beach, perhaps?

No. 7: The balloons behind the opposing team's basket during free throws.

In a professional or NCAA situation, if a player is not distracted by the guy in the third row eating his fifth hot dog or the cheerleader kneeling in front of him, I don't really think waving a balloon is going to change his concentration.

Let's get rid of thundersticks while we are at it.

No. 8: Standing there watching your home run go out of the park.

A player comes up with body armor from head to toe, hits a massive home run, then stands there admiring it until it clears the fence. He then tosses the bat in a flamboyant manner and jogs slowly around the bases.

Let's do away with the armor, bring Bob Gibson back and see what happens the next time the guy comes to the plate. Gibson might not even wait until the guy leaves the on-deck circle.

No. 9: Long pre-game introductions.

The Chicago Bulls had it right. Introduce the visitors, turn out the lights, start the “Sirius” song by the Alan Parsons Project, then intro the home team. Done.

Nowadays, the lights go out, the jumbotron shows several minutes of highlights, then brings the home team out. Just let them play. Shouldn't the players be the entertainment?

The L.A. Kings even do this. Five minutes of highlights on the ice before the team even takes the ice and they don't even do pre-game introductions.

Oh wait, that is the best part of a Kings game.

No. 10: Stephen A. Smith

“At the end of the day,” do we really have to listen to this outlandishly loud moron? Does he ever say anything that is worthwhile? He's the Tim McCarver of the NBA.

Sports writer Brad Memberto can be reached at 737-1055 or by e-mail to bmemberto@lompocrecord.com

June 18, 2008